The Day of Reckoning...

Problems, problems...

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately.

Illegal immigration
Hurricane recovery
Alligators attacking people in Florida

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems.
It's a win-win situation.

1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.


Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Investment and Anarchy...

Un-Happy Holidays...

Methane gas warning...

Your dime...my time...

Mrs. Webster's Dictionary...

Definitions as they would appear in Mrs. Webster's Dictionary.

Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is now.

Airhead (er-hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a cop.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar-bi-q) n.You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner."

Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n. An anti-burglar device.

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Children (chil-dren) n. What men become when they get the flu.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Computer (kom-pew-ter) n. The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Dog (dawg) n. A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet.

Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Four Food Groups (for food groups) n. Chocolate, wine coolers, potato chips & ice cream.

Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n. What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Home (hom) n. A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

Can't touch this...

Am not...Are too...

Order to go please...

Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself: where the hell is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

Rules of the road...

Redneck Computer Lingo...

Serial port -A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Hard drive -Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

bug -The reason you give for calling in sick.

Keyboard -Place to hang your truck keys.

diskette -Female disco dancer.

Floppy -When you run out of Polygrip.

SCSI -What you call your week-old underwear.

Modem -How you got rid of your dandelions.

ROM -1 Delicious when you mix it with Coca-Cola -2 Where the pope lives.

Byte -First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot -What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Mouse -Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

Mouse pad -Where Mickey and Minnie live.

LAN -To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

online -Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Cursor -What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

cache -Needed when you run out of food stamps.

bit -A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

digital control -What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

packet -What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

megahertz -How your head feels after 17 beers.

backup -What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

bar code -Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

Superconductor -Amtrak's employee of the year.

Shameless Promotion of product...

How many beers did it take...before the marketing guys came up with that idea?

...Brilliant!!!

Why I like beer...

'nuff said...

Mom always liked you better...

Melt down...

The stock market is in a melt down mode...

People have lost money...left and right.

What are we to do?


Drink more beer...to kill the pain.

The world has gone crazy, and lost all aspect of reality...

Gas has gone up, we are poorer, folks are losing everything left and right...

Will a new president help?

It's unlikely, because Wall Street's greed has finally caught up with their stupidity. The big pay check is over...they pulled the rug out from under themselves and everybody else for that matter.

They have killed the very people that tried to invest in something that would give people that have worked all of their lives a decent retirement to look forward to.

Because of greed...and a big fat bonus for them.

I hope every one of these companies (LLC's and Private equity) goes belly up and puts every one of these so called College educated idiots out of work...

The Fed has jumped in and saved a few...but for the most part, they should say...

You created this mess...now you fix it. The people that created this sub-prime mess...took their money and ran. Who has gotten screwed?

Everybody...period...

I hope these assholes have trouble sleeping at night...

If it was up to me, every CEO and board member of every one of these companies would be required to pay back every cent they got in salary...

And then be told...to bend over and grab your ankles...

You're my bitch now homeboy...

That's just my two cents.

Am I pissed? Just a tad...

I don't like it when people screw with my hard earned money.

The Sky Is Falling...

9-11

How can anyone forget what happened on this day of 9-11.

It's a good thing I'm not President of the United States because I would tear some ass up. I would have told the world... You have 72 hours to turn over the butt wipes that did this... or you want to see death and destruction?

We'll play...

And you won't like my game...

The only sin these people committed...was getting out of bed, kissing their husband or wife and the kids and going to work to make a living for their family...

Many people died, many I did not know...my heart goes out to these people who died because of some dumb ass wacko that hates us because we are different.

Because we believe what we believe...

There are so many idiots in this world that have hate in their heart because we do what we do. Because we are free...

But when we are at war and some folks get killed that have nothing to do with it, everybody gets outraged at us for protecting ourselves.

The United States, has always fought fair, army against army, but to fight against these ass holes...you have to fight on their level, even if it means taking out a whole world of maniacs with a bomb that will get somebodies attention.

Drop that bad boy...and we'll see if they change their attitude...after they change their shorts...

Do you still want to screw with me?

Lets play...

Damn...that sucks...

Labor Day...

Hey...got a minute?

100 things guys should keep in mind...

100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.

97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

93. Girls who say, "I love sports!" are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.

92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from K-Mart. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

88. "If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late."-Ginger, 27

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her "Gwen" might be bottled.

84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute-scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.

80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

78. "I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes."-Alicia S, 21

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

74. "Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom."-Amanda, 31

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

71. "Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples-we just get rid of them."-Katie, 26

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.

69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.

68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.

67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be "friended."

66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man is between 5’10 and 6’2.

63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.

62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

59. "When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator."-Lauren, 35

58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.

57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.

56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. "I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy," -Erin 25.

53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.

52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.

51. Don’t call her "cute." In her mind it’s the same as "not vomit-inducing." "Sexy," OK. "Hot," yes. "Fucking fine," only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.

49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.

47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Gin and or Vodka helps.

45. Twenty-three percent of men’s magazine readers are women.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal, which some men are into, but I think is border line homosexual.

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.

39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.

38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.

36. "At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated."-Camille, 28

35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.

34. Chick songs strike a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Alicia Keys song. It’s only about four minutes long.

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Nasty!

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.

31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.

30. "Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us."-Rachel, 26

29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.

28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.

27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some strippers’ cleavage.

26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.

20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.

19. The more piercing she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.

16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.

15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.

13. "Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay."-Amanda, 28

12. Studies show women are more attracted to "macho" guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to "good providers," otherwise known as chumps.

11. She likes one of your friends.

10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.

9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oreal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).

7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?

3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: "I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you."

2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. Five really means somewhere between 12 and 35

Good old days...

Fill her up...

Good night my love...

Things go bump in the night...

Just a small KISS...

From the makers of...

Melts in your mouth...not in you hand.

Fire up the grill...

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says...

"Your butt is getting really big...I mean really big...
I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape
and measured the grill.

Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right...your butt is 2 foot wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband...

Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky...

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks...

She answers...

"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill...
for one little weenie?"


Sent to me by my sister-in-law. Thanks Blondie...

Love and Pizza...

This space for rent...

Word play...

Hold my....

Boobs 'R' us...

Life is sometimes...

Food for the soul...

Games people play...

Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

High Maintenance...

Does a body good...

Par-taaaa...

Hug this...

Hold this Hawg...

Play time...

Law #1...

Law of the three L's...

Back seat driver...

Off night...

Say it with a smile...

Things about a woman...

Master of Oz...

Dragon Master...