Mrs. Webster's Dictionary...

Definitions as they would appear in Mrs. Webster's Dictionary.

Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is now.

Airhead (er-hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a cop.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar-bi-q) n.You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner."

Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n. An anti-burglar device.

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Children (chil-dren) n. What men become when they get the flu.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Computer (kom-pew-ter) n. The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Dog (dawg) n. A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet.

Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Four Food Groups (for food groups) n. Chocolate, wine coolers, potato chips & ice cream.

Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n. What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Home (hom) n. A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.