Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thirteen Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Shit
13. Potential Murder Suspect
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Shit
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Happy Christmas & Merry New Year !
We must always be politically correct...so instead of saying Merry Christmas we must say Happy Holidays as not to offend anyone from other cultures.
Well I'm sorry but this sure as hell offends me.
If you don't like the saying Merry Christmas then you probably won't like this southern saying either...
Don't let the door hit you in the ass as you leave our fine Country. You all don't come back now ya hear - Bye, Bye!
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Broadcasting pioneer Paul Harvey dies at age of 90...
Harvey was born Paul Harvey Aurandt in Tulsa, Okla. His father, a police officer, was killed when he was a toddler. A high school teacher took note of his distinctive voice and launched him on a broadcast career.
While working at St. Louis radio station KXOK, he met Washington University graduate student Lynne Cooper. He proposed on their first date (she said "no") and always called her "Angel." They were married in 1940 and had a son, Paul Jr.
They worked closely together on his shows, and he often credited his success to her influence. She was inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame in 1997, seven years after her husband was. She died in May 2008.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Problems, problems...
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately.
Illegal immigration
Hurricane recovery
Alligators attacking people in Florida
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems.
It's a win-win situation.
1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Mrs. Webster's Dictionary...
Definitions as they would appear in Mrs. Webster's Dictionary.
Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is now.
Airhead (er-hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a cop.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar-bi-q) n.You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner."
Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n. An anti-burglar device.
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
Children (chil-dren) n. What men become when they get the flu.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Computer (kom-pew-ter) n. The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Dog (dawg) n. A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet.
Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Four Food Groups (for food groups) n. Chocolate, wine coolers, potato chips & ice cream.
Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n. What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Home (hom) n. A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is now.
Airhead (er-hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a cop.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar-bi-q) n.You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner."
Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n. An anti-burglar device.
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
Children (chil-dren) n. What men become when they get the flu.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Computer (kom-pew-ter) n. The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Dog (dawg) n. A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet.
Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Four Food Groups (for food groups) n. Chocolate, wine coolers, potato chips & ice cream.
Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n. What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Home (hom) n. A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Order to go please...
Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself: where the hell is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself: where the hell is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Redneck Computer Lingo...
Serial port -A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Hard drive -Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
bug -The reason you give for calling in sick.
Keyboard -Place to hang your truck keys.
diskette -Female disco dancer.
Floppy -When you run out of Polygrip.
SCSI -What you call your week-old underwear.
Modem -How you got rid of your dandelions.
ROM -1 Delicious when you mix it with Coca-Cola -2 Where the pope lives.
Byte -First word in a kiss-off phrase.
Reboot -What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
Mouse -Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
Mouse pad -Where Mickey and Minnie live.
LAN -To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
online -Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Cursor -What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
cache -Needed when you run out of food stamps.
bit -A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
digital control -What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
packet -What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
megahertz -How your head feels after 17 beers.
backup -What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
bar code -Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
Superconductor -Amtrak's employee of the year.
Hard drive -Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
bug -The reason you give for calling in sick.
Keyboard -Place to hang your truck keys.
diskette -Female disco dancer.
Floppy -When you run out of Polygrip.
SCSI -What you call your week-old underwear.
Modem -How you got rid of your dandelions.
ROM -1 Delicious when you mix it with Coca-Cola -2 Where the pope lives.
Byte -First word in a kiss-off phrase.
Reboot -What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
Mouse -Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
Mouse pad -Where Mickey and Minnie live.
LAN -To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
online -Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Cursor -What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
cache -Needed when you run out of food stamps.
bit -A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
digital control -What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
packet -What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
megahertz -How your head feels after 17 beers.
backup -What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
bar code -Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
Superconductor -Amtrak's employee of the year.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Shameless Promotion of product...
How many beers did it take...before the marketing guys came up with that idea?
...Brilliant!!!
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